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How To Talk To Your Partner About Your Sexual Issues and Concerns

From Cory Silverberg 

Here's How:             

    • Clarify the Issue for Yourself Sex is complicated, your feelings may have as much to do with your own baggage and history as it does with what your partner is bringing to the table. If something is on your mind, sit with it for a while and clarify what doesn’t feel right. Some people find writing a helpful way to do this, others will talk with close friends. The point of this is not to start complaining to others or placing blame, the exercise is all about you and how you feel.               
    • Try to Write it Down Don’t worry about floral language or grammar. Writing down what you want to talk about is a great step to clarify your issues for yourself and practice the way you might communicate it to your partner. Some people actually write their partner a letter, and end up giving it to them at a later point. Letter writing can be a powerful way to communicate your thoughts and feelings, and if done along with talking it can increase intimacy in a relationship in surprising ways.               
    • Practice the Talk If you’re nervous about bringing it up, practice. If you have a good friend you can do this with great. Otherwise, practice on your own. Before every major "talk” I’ve ever had to do I sit down in front of my computer screen and do it. If my monitor could talk, it would probably tell me to get a life, but it’s a great tool for me (and I’m pretty sure my monitor is too old a model to be talking).               
    • Consider Your Timing One of the most important considerations is when to talk. This will depend a lot on what you are talking about. If you want to raise the idea of trying something new in bed, then raising it just before you’re about to be intimate with your partner is probably not a good time. Or raising your dissatisfaction with the frequency of your sex life minutes before your kids are due home (or your in-laws are coming over).             
    • Choose Your Location As with timing, location can make a difference. Bringing up sexual dissatisfactions in bed can be a bad move as it may create an association of negativity in your bed. Both you and your partner may also feel more vulnerable in bed than you would having the conversation fully clothed, out for a late night walk.               
    • Allow Time for Processing Remember that your partner may be surprised by what you are saying. Give both of you the time and space to respond honestly without having to feel rushed or pressured. You may not be able to completely resolve the issue, or even talk about all the aspects of the issue in one sitting. Think about sexual communication as an ongoing process, not a one shot deal.               
    • Be Generous No matter how hard it is for you to bring up your sexual concerns, if you are the only one raising them consider that it may be even harder for your partner. If you can, try to be generous with your partner and try not to place the blame too heavily on either of you. There are two of you in the relationship, and ultimately both of you need to take responsibility for what is happening.              
    • Check In Afterwards Sometimes we can make ourselves so anxious about bringing something up with a partner, and then it goes not quite as bad as we thought, and we’re relieved, so we want to just move on. Give yourself permission to bring the topic up again. Don’t do it in a nagging way, but make it clear that your partner that you care about how they feel and you want to check in with how the conversation went. 


  • Keep in mind that every situation is different. These are general tips and your situation may call for many additional considerations.
  • Remember that our imaginations can be our worst enemy when it comes to taking risks like this. The reality is that the response is almost never as bad as you think it will be, and talking openly about your sexual feelings, desires, likes and dislikes, can not only improve your sex life with your partner, it can improve other aspects of the relationship. 

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